I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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