Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
