Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
