Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize