Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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