I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
