Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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