why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
