He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
