while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
3 2 1 whiskey
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
