She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
