I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
