just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
