i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
