Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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