her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
