Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
