if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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