I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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