Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
