Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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