Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
from now on my penis is your penis
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
