so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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