So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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