No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
