I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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