The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
