I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
