im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
