you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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