I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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