also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
