i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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