Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
