whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
