I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize