I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ketchup is God's man juice
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
