According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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