Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize