I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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