did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
