i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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