I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
