oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
