you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
