Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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