my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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