even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
