I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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