babies were throwing up all over the place
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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