Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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