Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
