Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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