Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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