TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
