Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
