My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Vodka?
Forever.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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