Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
