That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
