Well douche your snatch and let's go!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
