I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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