i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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